Free Diving Changed My Life

I’m sitting here, sobbing in the tiny Guanacaste airport in Liberia, Costa Rica. But these aren’t tears of sadness over a vacation ending. They’re tears because something inside me has awakened—like a quiet ember suddenly catching flame. For years, I’ve been searching for something I couldn’t name. Now, for the first time in a long while, I feel close to it. And somehow, I know this is only the beginning.

Just a week ago, on my flight to Costa Rica for my best friend’s wedding, I began reading Deep by James Nestor. I didn’t expect much—certainly not to be moved. But page after page, something dormant in me began to stir. Then, as if guided by some unseen hand, I discovered a freediving class during that same trip. And when I descended into the stillness of the ocean for the first time, everything clicked into place. In that silent blue world, I felt a recognition so deep it brought tears to my eyes.

Thirteen years ago, I died. My heart stopped, my soul left my body, and I journeyed into what lies beyond. Though the event that led me there was brutal, what I experienced on the other side was pure light—euphoric, eternal, saturated with a love beyond words. Ever since, that memory has stayed with me. Not a day passes without its echo filling my thoughts.

I’ve spent years chasing that feeling again. Weed, alcohol, psychedelics, plant medicines in Peru—ayahuasca, mescaline. Each offered something fleeting, but each carried shadows too. None ever came close to the light, the clarity, the utter peace I experienced when I crossed over.

But sitting in the airport that day, after my first freedive down to 10 meters—my body aching, my mind silent, tears streaming down my face—I realized I had found something. Freediving isn’t exactly the same as my near-death experience, but it’s the closest I’ve come in over a decade (ecstatic dancing comes second). There is a purity to it, an intimate peace that feels like a homecoming for my soul.

I don’t know how else to describe it except to say: I have found a tool, a direction, a path back to that eternal clarity I thought was lost until death would greet me again. And now, all I want is to return to the ocean… to go deeper… to follow where it leads.