Me, Myself & I

Back in Spring of 2013, I had an extraordinary mushroom trip by myself on the couch. I was hanging out with “Past Me” on the left and “Future Me” on the right. They would whisper things in my ear and the three of us would burst out in guffaws like nobody was watching. Well…Kevin was watching me and…so was Steven from the dining room table. They were probably studying or getting ready for SXSW. Yea..they were definitely not studying.

We used to be roommates the year before and I came over that night to relax at their house from my kitchen management job that devoured the living soul out me. I was really into mushrooms during those days. I found it very therapeutic for me since it was kind of how I self medicated to cope through my PTSD. My heart was numb but the mushrooms would awaken me from hibernation which brought me a lot of perspective and realization.

I was a 20 year old college dropout who slept 4-5 hours a day, not knowing what I wanted in my life except to pay rent on time. Ambition was not a trait at that moment but I was still a very hard worker. I studied anthropology at UT Austin but due to severe depression it was difficult to focus on education. I got kicked out of the Air Force ROTC for telling them a misdemeanor that I did when I was an adolescent. I lost my scholarship at UT, my parents were disappointed in me, and the guy that I loved didn’t love me back (but I still got my kitty licked so it was cool). I didn’t smoke any weed or did any type of drug besides drinking. I drank Baileys and coffee every morning. I’d take a shot of tequila during the day and would make fancy cocktails at night for my friends, but mostly for me. Until the one night, a stalker attacked me and this changed my entire outlook on life. I have mentioned this night before, it still triggers me to this day, but luckily, I’m able to cope with it and it no longer dwindles negativity in my life. And maybe one day I’ll write about it in detail, but it’s still too much for me to write. Anyways, because of the attack, I did quit drinking for 8 months. And I switched to mushrooms as an escape. Personally, I believe it’s a better alternative and it should be legalized, at least decriminalized. Time will take us there, Texas is slow about these kinds of things. Simply put, it was a really rough time for me. And like I said, I was numb and I honestly had no idea that I needed professional help.

I distanced myself from my previous friendships. They never asked about how I was feeling or what exactly happened, I think I scared them off from my vulnerability and being so honest about my dramatic truth. Or maybe I wasn’t good enough cause I was no longer an undergrad and everything is about your persona and status these days. I hope thats not the reason, that idea truly disgusts me. Or maybe we were just too young and unaware how to communicate properly about real shit and so avoiding the topic was just easier for them. I don’t know the reason and honestly I don’t give a shit. Cause all is forgiven.

Anyways, I was chilln with “Past Julie” and “Future Julie” on the couch. Man, they were so dope. I didn’t want the night to end. I loved them so much. I can tell from the looks of Kevin he was concerned about me. He kept telling me to go outside, to get fresh air and to enjoy a night walk out in Hyde Park on Ave H. But hanging out by myself was the best thing I’d done since the incident. I learned to love myself that night which became a valuable lesson for me and I hope that everybody learns that in their life somehow. I wasn’t fully loving myself at the time, but it was just the beginning of a slow journey to loving one’s self. I definitely hit rock bottom between that moment and today. But, I know I didn’t give up. From there on out, I believed I should always look out for “Future Julie” so she could always thank “Past Julie”. I always thought that was how the three of us could stay connected.

If any of you guys know me well, I’m a huge planner. My mind is organized like a graceful complicated map. And it’s all due to this one mushroom trip. I became the woman who always had a plan and constantly motivated to execute her ideas, made backup plans or willing to take the obstacles in order to reach the end goal. All because I was looking out for “Future Me”. But lately my brain map is on fire. I have so many ideas, so many plans that it has now overwhelmed “Present Me”. I’m constantly anxious, stressed, exhausted and drained. Maybe part of it is because I’m 27? Aging? Nahh I’m too young! But I do know I’ve overloaded one too many tasks and opened several doors of opportunities. Lately I have been questioning my future and what I really want. So this past month, I’ve been pondering on what I want currently. And as much as my mind analyzed every corner of my brain, I realized the answer is simple. Just let it all go. I don’t know why I’m trying so hard. All I need to do is fall and laugh about it. I find that laughter is what brings me the most joy. And if I can find that everyday, I think that would make “Past Julie” and “Future Julie” very happy.

In a couple weeks, I’m leaving to go to South America for 10 weeks and for the first time in very very long time, I have no long term plan when I get back. This terrifies the living hell out of me but I finally feel free.